Whoa! Got lots of feedback from last week’s newsletter!
Last week I wrote: “If only clients would know that we therapists get connected to every phone call we take.”
I loved my father’s response to me: “….. if only you would know that your readers get connected to every situation you describe.”
I understand that. Makes sense! Let’s discuss your feedback.
Shifi, was this a real story? YES! Why would I lie? (To make a good newsletter? Lol, ok I hear that… but nope! I didn’t change the story. This time anyway π) It was intriguing to me - how surprising and sad it was to you that (sometimes) couples, “top girls” and “top boys” struggle after they get married. As a Family Therapist, these are calls I receive. So yes, although I do try to keep these Socially Appropriate-ish Newsletters happy and enjoyable to read, I gotta keep it real.
Let’s discuss Medication. Lots of readers described (in confidence) how medication has changed their lives. Some of you asked me to repeat this point. So I will: Medication changes lives. It works. And there is no shame in taking medication if it will positively affect you and your spouse and the people around you. You don’t have to be bedridden, and/or completely dysfunctional to warrant medication. Many of our readers are afraid that Young Lady we discussed will wait years and have multiple children before getting the right help. It’s important to stress that – even if you look beautiful and put together on the outside – intense moodiness, tears, and anger will be detrimental to your attachments and relationships with the people around you (e.g. your husband and children). Please talk to your Internist, OB/GYN, or a psychiatrist if you feel that you’re often not in control of yourself. (Say that last sentence to yourself how they say it on the radio… is it called Staccato Voice? π€)
Um, seriously Shifi. Nice plug for your course, but how exactly will your SOCIAL SKILLS MADE SIMPLE. Course help this young couple? It doesn’t sound like it’s a “social skills” issue? Ahh! Great question! And so glad you asked! π ok, listen up. Not every poorly regulated individual needs medication. Often education and skills are what is needed. What this young wife and mother (and perhaps couple) appears to be missing is communication, empathy, appropriate emotion management, calming down skills, the ability to handle disappointment, frustration tolerance, anger management, and more. I believe that even (can I dare say “especially?”) - “top” - boys and girls need the tools and education to learn basic self-awareness and communication skills. EVERYONE DOES. I prepared a virtual course, based on lots of research, which I truly believe will benefit every single person. SOCIAL SKILLS MADE SIMPLE. will teach you and your children what is NOT taught in school. (At the risk of sounding like a cheesy commercial - I am now providing a money-back guarantee because I am so confident!) As much as I would love for every elementary and high school to teach all of this material, sadly, this is simply not part of the curriculum! This course is for parents, married couples, young adults, teens, boys and girls who are dating, teachers, educators and therapists.
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HELP! My son/daughter is about to start shidduchim. How can I prevent this situation from happening? No one wants a “crybaby” for a wife, and no one wants an angry husband. (Yes, these are stereotypes and very often the opposite is true or there are entirely different issues.) What questions can I ask to “make sure” this doesn’t happen?
Ahhhhh… another good question you guys! So, this is my short-ish answer. For starters, we cannot guarantee anything. Marriage (and all relationships) are not frozen based on the character you have at the start. It is ALWAYS a process. And even for the most self-aware and healthy people marriage calls upon both every skill we are good at and also many of the skills we are not good at. Therefore, expect a challenge. It’s an amazing challenge and it brings us to the highest levels of self-development! And, with the effort and the right skills, (see above! π) two people will have/develop healthy emotion management, self-awareness, communication skills, and a great amount of empathy- to succeed.
Butttttt, there are indeed specific issues to keep in mind during the self-development, dating process, and beyond the dating process. The following are some of the questions to ask yourself constantly - and to work on throughout life. The reason why I think people may think this is “controversial” (or demanding) is that at the age that is most typical to get married, most people haven’t yet actualized and reached their most emotionally healthy selves. Still, as with many things, there is a spectrum and many people simply are more emotionally mature and healthy.
Here’s a list of questions that I compiled years ago for a client who was struggling emotionally. We were preparing her for dating and marriage. Since then I’ve used this list to help others in shidduchim and beyond too.
To be clear, this is not an exhaustive list. This is also not a required list. Warning: It is also not meant to be used to interrogate dates or references about potential dates. (Staccato voice π!) It is simply a list of ideas/questions to generate thought about important matters relating mostly to emotional maturity and health.
(Note: I will alternate between his/her/you/they because questions applies to both genders! π There is also no particular order to this list.)
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How happy is she?
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How resilient is she? Does she have grit?
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How capable is he of dealing with challenges and struggles?
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How is the shalom bayis in the home she grew up in?
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Is he close to his parents? To his siblings?
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Do the parents/child have an honest and communicative relationship?
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Do you know how to identify your emotions? Can you identify emotions in a more sophisticated way - i.e. more than simply happy/mad/sad?
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Do you know how to communicate your emotions (e.g. hurt, nervous, disappointed, frustrated, embarrassed) to your peers?
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Is she introspective/self-aware?
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Is he flexible (as opposed to rigid)? (Or is he a black-and-white thinker?)
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Is she empathetic - having the ability to feel and experience the emotions of others?
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Is he compassionate? (Empathy in action)
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What are her anxieties?
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What are your weaknesses? Are you comfortable with your weaknesses?
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Is he confident?
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Are they paranoid? Do they think that people are constantly out to get them?
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Do they have goals to be self-sufficient/independent as a couple rather than relying on their parents?
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Does he anger quickly?
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Can he tolerate frustration and disappointment?
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Does she respect her parents/teachers?
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Does she respect people's differences?
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Can they think for themselves? Do they respect themselves?
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Can they ask a shaila when necessary?
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Do they have a sense of humor? Can they laugh at themselves?
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Can she appreciate alone time? Can she appreciate the human connection?
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Does he appreciate family?
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Is he involved with chesed and helping others?
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Does she know her triggers? (What gets her irritated/sad/frustrated/worried…)
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Do I realize that - for everyone - life is a process with ups and downs as part of the journey?
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Does he have life goals? Ambitions? Passions?
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Can she validate an emotion of others? Does she understand people and feel understood by people?
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Does he feel a sense of accountability and responsibility for his experiences?
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Do I (excessively) drink, smoke, or use recreational drugs? Do I have any addictions (e.g. internet, gambling, drinking)?
Ok, ok, I know this is it quite the list. Let’s remember that this only meant as a springboard for discussion! Let’s remember that “no one is perfect” and there really is no such thing perfect! Even for the most self aware and self developed person, this is a lifetime of work. This is not meant to cause more panic and anxiety. This is meant to provide you with some thoughts and questions and conversations that you can begin to ask yourselves. Also, as you raise young children- keep these questions in mind. Yes, many of these social skills need to be taught to our children.
And I’m here to help with that! π As I cover most of this material in Our Courses!
… And, that was a lot for today! Drink an extra coffee!
See you next week!
π, Shifi
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