Imagine your best friend is going through something really tough—let’s say she just had surgery, or is going through a messy Shidduch situation, or just got a shocking diagnosis. You want to be there for her, but at the same time, you’re feeling tense, scared and stressed about the situation too.

So, what do you do? Call her up and unload all your emotions about how hard it is for you to see her like this?

Nope. That’s what not to do, according to Susan Silk. 🫢

Let me introduce you to The Ring Theory, also known as the “Comfort In, Dump Out” rule. It’s a simple way to make sure we’re supporting people the right way when they’re going through something hard—whether it’s illness, grief, or any crisis.

What is Ring Theory? 

This concept was developed by clinical psychologist Susan Silk after her own experience with cancer. Following her surgery, Susan didn’t feel up to having visitors. A friend, upset by this, told her, “This isn’t just about you.” This response, coupled with the fact that Susan felt that she was constantly being “asked” to comfort those around her about her - often making it more about their needs, highlighted for her how people sometimes unintentionally add to the burden of those in crisis. After her illness, Susan created the concept of “Ring Theory” - a detailed roadmap of how she believes people should be there for each other in times of crisis. I found this so valuable and informative! Hope you do too! 😊

This is the bullseye with a bunch of rings:

• The person going through the crisis is in the center.
• The next ring out? That’s the immediate family—the spouse, parents, siblings, or kids.
• Further out? Her extended family/ close friends.
• Even further? Casual friends, coworkers etc.

Got the picture? Here’s the rule:

Comfort In, Dump Out.

If you’re talking to someone closer to the center, your job is to provide support and encouragement—be helpful, listen, and avoid adding to their stress. Comfort goes inward.

If you’re talking to someone further out, you can express your feelings and fears about the situation. Dump your emotions outward.

Here’s How It Works in Real Life:

Scenario 1: Your sister just had a baby who’s in the NICU, and she’s emotionally and physically exhausted. You’re feeling overwhelmed because you’re picking up the slack with her other children, and doing her carpools and dealing with endless homework for her kids…

• When you talk to your sister (who’s in the center), you say: “You’re doing amazing. What can I do to help?”
• When you talk to your coworker (who’s in an outer ring), you say: “I’m totally exhausted covering for my sister, and I’m very worried about the baby’s infection.”

Scenario 2: Your best friend’s young father suddenly passed away, and you’re feeling shocked and sad, and in so much pain watching her go through this loss.

• When you talk to her, you say: “I’m here for you. What do you need?”
• When you talk to another friend, you say: “I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to say to her, I’m devastated.”

See the pattern? Support goes to the people closer in, and you process your own emotions with people further out.

What NOT to Do (Because We’ve All Done It):

• Telling your sick friend how hard their diagnosis is for you. Nope.
• Venting to a grieving person about how you’re not sure what to say.
• Expecting the person in the middle of the crisis to reassure you.

We all mean well, but sometimes we forget which ring we’re in. The good news? Now we know 😍.

So, the next time someone you love is going through something tough, just remember:

Comfort In, Dump Out.

🥰, Shifi