There are times in our lives when we need to love our children more. And then, there are times in our lives where we need to love our children less. 

Our children need love and support. But And, they also need distance and space to be and to grow. Dr. Shefali, a psychologist, warns us that many parents fall into the trap of trying too hard to help, control and mold their children — all in the name of love. Even when the parent is acting from a place of love, the child can feel stifled. And we can be holding our children back from becoming who they want to become. 

When Love is tinged with a possessiveness over our children, that is not cool. 

No one appreciates a Smother Mother - that we can all agree on. But knowing when to pull back the “love” a little bit, is difficult and takes wisdom and honestly, takes courage. We hope that we’re securely attached to our children, and they’re securely attached to us, and we want to help them in any and every way we can — and it’s this attachment that can make it hard to take a step back. 

Earlier today, I was discussing with some of my children this idea of “Love Them Less.” I explained to them this concept: 

“Leave them alone and watch miracles happen,” said a well respected mentor of mine. “Take a step back, love them a little less and watch what happens. Magic happens!” 

LOVE THEM LESS

As I’m repeating these words to my kiddies in the kitchen, and to be honest they look a bit confused by my new and improved mission, and one of my daughters blurts out, “wait, so then fair is fair… we’ll just love you a little less!” 

“Ouch! Um, No. Never. That’s just mean,” screamed my insides. I was not prepared to hear that. At all. 🤢 

But. Who knew?

… according to the research, my daughter was actually onto something deep.

“I tell parents: Love your kid a bit less,” Dr. Shefali says. “Because your love is messing them up!” 

Dr. Shefali continues to explain: often we’re not even seeing the child in front of us. We’re just so consumed by our own needs and especially the need to be loved back, that we become blinded by our need to feel loved ourselves.

Gulp. 

The implication is that sometimes we are so wired with the need to feel loved, that it actually messes with our parenting and our own need to give and be needed on a constant basis. Sometimes, our parenting job is to take a giant step back and give our kids the space they need to blossom, fly solo, to become who they need to become. 

We need to learn to let go. 

Especially as they go to the next stage of their lives. 

Fly safe, my dear children.

💕, Shifi 

P.S. After writing this, I was putting my 5 year old daughter to sleep, and she (true story) asked me if she can marry me when she gets older and I responded with an emphatic YES!!  I was so touched. And loved that she asked me that. And then I thought about Dr. Shefali. There’s nothing like psychoanalyzing myself……..