Last week we spoke about why tweens and newlyweds have anxiety as they enter their new relationships. I loved that Newsletter. Today, I want to add more about why people fight.     For starters, sometimes we say things that people completely misunderstand.   For instance: This past week I attended a High School function that was run by the outstanding Mechanecheses (spelling? Help!) at my daughter’s Bais Yaakov. The event was called Mothers to Mothers and they answered many of the questions that us mothers have while raising teen girls. As one fabulous Mechaneches was wrapping up the evening, she joked that as a mother of many boys she has two types of people on her speed dial: Her personal Mentors and Plastic Surgeons. And then she continued on to her next point…. until one woman in the audience blurted out (what othere in the room were thinking): “Umm.. why type of plastic surgeons?!?”  The room ERUPTED in laughter as many of the mothers understood this to mean plastic surgeons for children’s injuries/stitches… but clearly not everyone understood! I was laughing so hard…I was in stitches! (lol, so sorry for the pun.)   Misunderstandings.   Also, as Dr. Norman Blumenthal (speaking of mentors, he is a professional mentor of mine) says it perfectly:   “Nice Can Be Boring.”    Fighting and tension show passion and excitement. “Imagine watching a movie or reading a book all about a nice, sweet boy/girl. How interesting would that be?!”    A story about the mean boy/girl is a lot juicier. The turmoil, the ups and downs and the drama is what gets people engaged. Conflict gets the blood pressure up and the heart pounding.    Many people feel more alive when they fight.    Many people fight to feel connected.    Many people fight to test the integrity of their relationships.   Many people are fighting an old fight. One that they may have had already with another person. And their brain is confused and reactive.    Many people are fighting a different traumatic relationship that is happening simultaneously.   Many people are fighting inner battles with themselves and they’re not sure how to stop.    Sometimes it’s a subconscious process that we are not aware of.   And this is why people are complex.     Next time you feel drawn to pick or continue a fight — breath — and ask yourself “why/who am I really fighting?” And “is there any positive way for me to feel connected, alive and passionate without creating drama?”   There are huge benefits to “boring relationships.” We’ll explore another time.    As we get older, and add more layers and dimensions, we sometimes we can barely recognize our true selves. And this is why, especially as we age, we need mentors. (And plastic surgeons! 😜)   💝, SHIFI