Apologies can be a tricky thing. Are we primarily apologizing because it makes us feel better? Or because it will make the other person feel better? Are we actually sorry for what we have done or are we just saying that we’re sorry because the other person believes we should be sorry. 

And the concept of Forgiveness can be complex too. Must we forgive? Is that a requirement for our own healing? Are we forgiving for ourselves or is it in order to absolve the other person of their guilt? 

There is a concept in therapy called “Forced Forgiveness.”  Sometimes people think that in order to get past the wrongdoings of another, they need to forgive the offender. They were told by well-meaning people that as long as they hold onto the anger, they will never be able to move forward. 

And yes, absolutely, most often, forgiveness is a really powerful release. When we go through the forgiveness process and actually acknowledge the hurt, consider the impact, reflect on the damage done, and make a conscious decision to forgive - even when you may never get an apology, that can be incredibly healing. I have witnessed this powerful shift and a real sense of liberation when we forgive. 

•  I really love this one minute clip on forgiveness. 

However, this is a big however. And one that people don’t speak about openly enough. But there are times that forgiveness is outside our reach, and often it’s because the offense was too great and had too big of an impact on our lives for us just to forgive. 

Forced Forgiveness - can be potentially very damaging and incredibly painful and extremely invalidating with life long consequences. I have witnessed victims - of all sorts of abuse-  being told that they need to find it in their hearts to forgive their abuser. Even more than that - that these victims need to find meaning in their pain. And that it was “all done for a reason.”  I’ve also heard of well meaning people telling the victims (trigger warning) to be grateful for the suffering here, as to save them from suffering after 120. 

That my friends -  may even be an extension of the abuse cycle. I have tears in my eyes as I write this, because I know too well how often these words have been uttered. 

Some things can be unforgivable. And we must acknowledge that. And we must acknowledge the (irreparable) harm that has been done. 

One way for the victim to move forward, even without forgiveness, is to find compassion for themselves. Compassion for what they’ve been through. Support in the way they need it. Find the beauty in life from other people. One can even - if they choose - find compassion for those who hurt them.  

But forgiveness? No. In some circumstances, you don't have to forgive.  

Wishing you all a Gut Gebenched Yur, 

A year of healing for everyone, 

🩷, Shifi 

P.S. If you are unsure what qualifies as ‘unforgivable’, reach out to a therapist or an experienced Rov who can understand the complexities of the situation. Very often people feel more comfortable asking these type of shailos to a Rov that they are not regularly associated with - that is understandable too.