Behind Every Criticism is a…
Mar 29, 2022Behind every criticism, is a wish.
It is worth it to memorize this phrase by psychotherapist Esther Perel. Although criticism is typically expressed as disapproval of a behavior — it is often received or felt as a disapproval of the person. This is the case even if the critic does not intend to be demeaning. Because criticism is felt as a judgement, it causes distance, resentment, and other negative feelings between Criticizer and Criticizee (yes, made up that word and loving it 🎉).
Instead of criticizing, we need to find our wish that lies behind the criticism and communicate just the wish.
If you’re a chronic “Constructive Criticizer” then perhaps ask Criticizee if it’s actually constructive ;). Stating the desire or the wish is far more effective than pointing out what Criticizee did wrong. For example, even though it may not be easy, we should still say “I’d love it if you’d put your socks in the hamper”. And avoid saying, “You are such a slob for never putting your socks in the hamper!” (Even though, seriously guys, just put the socks in the hamper!)
If you or someone you love is a chronic criticizer, then… stop 🤣)
And you will all enjoy the next few weeks so much more! Guaranteed.
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❤️, Shifi
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SHIFI LIEBERMAN, LMFT
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Do I tell my child he has anxiety?
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