Dear Shifi, 

Happy Pre, Mid or Post Winter Break!

NOOOO!!! I hate these dilemmas! They’re the worst for me!  I wanted to order lenses for one of my kids. They said it would be $320 for 6 months supply or $400 for a year supply. Wait, what? I didn’t want a year supply! And now it’s $80 more. Now what? I wonder if the prescription will change in the next few months so it’s a for sure no. But what if it stays the same, I’m going to feel so dumb!  How can I give up on a deal like This?! 🤯

Not sure why these decisions totally drive me bonkers and bring out my most indecisive parts. (And makes me happy to just wear glasses and not any lenses! 🤓)

Let’s be honest—being a parent and spouse sometimes feels like one long series of dilemmas. (Especially over winter break if/when we’re spending a considerable amount of time with the fam and interests aren’t always aligned.)  I want to set boundaries, but I also want to be the parent that “gets it”. I need to discipline and share my thoughts, but I don’t want to squash their confidence. I want to be honest with my spouse, but can’t be too honest about everything that pops into my mind … Sound familiar?

Here’s the thing—most of us walk around thinking we have to figure everything out in our heads. But what if I told you that sharing your dilemmas out loud could actually improve your relationships?

Yup,  Irving Yalom, famous author, psychotherapist and someone I learned so much from (from reading his books), suggests that instead of pretending we have all the answers, try being real. Something like:

• “I feel torn. I know I need to set rules about the google photos chat that your class created, but I also get that many of your friends are on it, and I don’t want you to feel left out.”
• “I want to talk to you about something, but I’m worried I might not say it the right way.”
• “I know I seem distracted, and I want to be present, but I also have a lot on my mind and want you to understand why I seem so out of it.”

Expressing dilemmas out loud does a few things:

1. It shows you’re human. No one has it all figured out, and being honest about that creates connection rather than conflict.
2. It invites collaboration. When we express both sides of an issue, it opens the door for our spouse or child, friend, parent etc to weigh in.
3. It models healthy communication. Our kids learn from us that it’s okay to feel conflicted and that talking through issues is part of life - and we don’t need to get it right all the time...

So next time we’re stuck between two competing thoughts, instead of wrestling with them silently, let’s try sharing them. We might be surprised at the solutions that come when we invite others in.

And in case you’re wondering, I didn’t order any lenses. (Yet). (Feel free to analyze!) 

🤗, Shifi